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Life at this age.

Listening to Rihanna and Justin Timberlake and No Doubt.  Soft pop music means only one thing.  I am going through a mental emotional inventory.  Wistfully looking over the hills and far away.

Underneath It All, Simple Kind Of Life, Umbrella, Cry Me A River, What Goes Around Comes Around.  You get the picture.

It would be understandable that I reflecting on my past now that I am in my mid 30s.  Everybody is doing it.  It is normal.

The one thing I suppose that seperates me and creates an issue (if there is one) is that I have done this since I was 13.  I have looked back my whole life.  They come like the seasons these massive retrospectives.  They are mostly filled with the absolutely worst kind of question over and over.  The “what ifs”.  What the “what ifs” do is make me feel like I missed a life that is out there.  A magical life filled with balance and happiness.  Lots of fantasies.  Not much reality.

Ultimately this cycle runs out like a volcano.  The next distraction comes along.  I move on.  This has happened for 21 years now.

Not this year.  I am not going to let it just pass by.  I have a woman I have always wanted.  She is the fun loving crazy sexy person I need in my life.  I have a step daughter in the wings who is smart and beautiful.  They are moving to the coolest most fun city in the world New York.  I have a job in television.  Not exactly producing but I have it so good with my job that I whine about the dumbest things.

The three major reflections I have had since 2000 were the year 2000, 2002, 2006 and a minor one in 2008.  Not this year.  I am not going down that path.  It is fools gold.

This year I finally get my fantasy.  I deserve it.  I earned it.  I got it clean.  Fuck this nonsensicle bullshit.  I’m good.