Morning of 08/29/09

Was sitting with my mother in one of those construction trailers they have on construction sites.  She was in a very drunken state but looked beautiful, I would say around mid-40s.  A woman came in to interview with my mother for  a job. My mother starts to talk about her past with the woman right away, how she used to get heroin and coke all the time for the bosses and the crew back in the day.

The woman interviewing didn’t say anything.  My mother started to laugh and then turned ot cry.  When she started crying the woman being interviewed started to dry her eyes as well.

My mother got up out of her chair and walked over to a work table and lied down on her back.  My mother defianintly admitted to being on coke as well.  I was upset she was drunk and only recognized she was when she started crying but the news of coke was new to me.  She never admitted to doing coke except "in the 70s".

Another woman came in (or was already there and stepped in the picture) and started asking the woman being interviewed a series of questions that were a test if she knew accounting or not.  Clearly my mother was the accountant on the construction or project site and this other woman worked with her, was her subordinate or was her boss.

I just was more sad than confused.  I knew what what was going on more than I was confused.

Morning of 06/05/2009

Seemed like L.A.  Was with girlfriend, she had bought drugs and I was not cool with it.  She drove off with friends.  I was really hurt and scared because I didn’t know anybody in this town.  No money, no phone, no friends.

The guy she bought drugs from was my girlfriend’s next door neighboor.  He is really cool guy in reality, but in this he was a shady drug dealer.

Then it cut to a nightclub, still connected to the previous scene.  There were thugs of the dealer there.  They were about 10 feet tall, or I was 3 feet tall and they were 6 feet tall.  I thought about why I didn’t have a gun.  Then I realzied I was fat and out of shape and I think I was naked.

I thought about killing the drug dealer and his thugs and was scared, terrified of the situation of murder I was staring into.

Then did a dreamworld exit by shaking my dream/real head and awoke in bed.

Best iPod Shuffle Mix This Morning

1. Every Day I Love You Less And Less - Kaiser Cheifs

2. Sometime Around Midnight - Airborne Toxic Event

3. Boom Boom Pow - Black Eyed Peas

4. Say Yes - Elliot Smith

5. Fernando - Abba

6. Clementine - Decemberists

7. Why Can’t I Touch It - Buzzcocks

8. He Can Only Hold Her - Amy Winehouse

My Prison

I feel the walls pushing me against the other walls. There are no vistas today.

I am looking at a picture of a person in a cell, bondage reading a letter about a fella who is not going anywhere looking at a guy who is trapped in his car listening to the radio story about a guy who is in work feeling the ceiling staring at the top of his head who is reading a blog post from a guy in an office whose eyes are getting pushed in by the air pressure of the office caused by total apathy.

What do these things have in common?

Airlines

Phone Companies

Department Motor Vehicles

Internet Tech Support

Any Warranty Phone Call

= = = = = = = = = = = = =

They all suck the life aura out of your soul like the Devil did to Marsellus Wallace.

Life at this age.

Listening to Rihanna and Justin Timberlake and No Doubt.  Soft pop music means only one thing.  I am going through a mental emotional inventory.  Wistfully looking over the hills and far away.

Underneath It All, Simple Kind Of Life, Umbrella, Cry Me A River, What Goes Around Comes Around.  You get the picture.

It would be understandable that I reflecting on my past now that I am in my mid 30s.  Everybody is doing it.  It is normal.

The one thing I suppose that seperates me and creates an issue (if there is one) is that I have done this since I was 13.  I have looked back my whole life.  They come like the seasons these massive retrospectives.  They are mostly filled with the absolutely worst kind of question over and over.  The “what ifs”.  What the “what ifs” do is make me feel like I missed a life that is out there.  A magical life filled with balance and happiness.  Lots of fantasies.  Not much reality.

Ultimately this cycle runs out like a volcano.  The next distraction comes along.  I move on.  This has happened for 21 years now.

Not this year.  I am not going to let it just pass by.  I have a woman I have always wanted.  She is the fun loving crazy sexy person I need in my life.  I have a step daughter in the wings who is smart and beautiful.  They are moving to the coolest most fun city in the world New York.  I have a job in television.  Not exactly producing but I have it so good with my job that I whine about the dumbest things.

The three major reflections I have had since 2000 were the year 2000, 2002, 2006 and a minor one in 2008.  Not this year.  I am not going down that path.  It is fools gold.

This year I finally get my fantasy.  I deserve it.  I earned it.  I got it clean.  Fuck this nonsensicle bullshit.  I’m good.

All Cats must Die

‘Cat Lady’ Conundrum, The

By REBECCA SKLOOT

Published: December 9, 2007

Here’s a little-known and slightly terrifying fact: According to estimates from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, more than 60 million people in the United States are infected with a parasite that may migrate into their brains and alter their behavior in a way that — among other things — may leave them more likely to be eaten by cats. New research into this common parasite — Toxoplasma gondii — may offer clues to the phenomenon known to the unscientifically-minded as “crazy cat lady” syndrome.

The basic facts: Toxo can infect many species, but it undergoes sexual reproduction only in cat digestive tracts. Once the parasite reproduces, the cat passes it in its feces, where the next unwitting host picks it up by digesting it (intentionally or unintentionally). Then the cycle starts again. In the long run, Toxo must find its way back to a cat’s stomach to survive. So the parasite has evolved a complicated system for taking over its hosts’ brains to increase the likelihood that they’ll be eaten by cats.

How? Scientists are still figuring that out. Research conducted this year by Toxo expert Robert Sapolsky of Stanford, and also by Joanne Webster, professor of parasite epidemiology at Imperial College London, has found that Toxo actually causes rats to become attracted to the smell of cat urine.

Might Toxo explain why some humans develop an unhealthful attraction to cats and apparently become immune to the smell of their urine? And might that explain the mystery of crazy cat ladies? “That idea doesn’t seem completely crazy,” Sapolsky says. “But there’s no data supporting it.”

Not yet. But Jaroslav Flegr, an evolutionary biologist at Charles University in the Czech Republic, is looking into it. He has spent years studying Toxo’s impact on human behavior. (He found, for example, that people infected with Toxo have slower reflexes and are 2.5 times as likely to get into car accidents.) He won’t have results of his study for a while and refuses to speculate. But Joanne Webster says the connection isn’t much of a stretch: “In our evolutionary past, perhaps we were eaten by cats, too,” she says.

...from Defamer...

Brilliant commenter JudgeFudge has me smiling still with his comment on this posting regarding the new Al Pacino/Robert DeNiro crime drama Righteous Kill.

JudgeFudge at 01:50 PM on 08/26/08

I’ve never heard the words “badge” and “gun” used more times than in the preview for this movie.

Literally, Pacino’s voiceover in the trailer goes something like,

“Where I come from, you make a choice between a badge or a gun. You respect the gun? You hate the badge. You love the badge? You fear the gun. Sometimes a gun looks like a badge. And sometimes, well a gun, it looks like a gun. But there’s no mistaking, that a badge is more powerful than the gun. When I wake up in the morning, I find my hand on my badge, when it should be on my gun. I ask mysefl, What came first? The badge or the gun? The difference between a badge and a gun, is that a badge knows that he’s a badge, but a gun- a gun don’t know he’s a gun. If you got a badge, and gun, all you really gots a gun. And a badge. One fish, two fish, badge, gun, badge, gun. Knock, knock? Who’s there? Oh, a badge? I though it would be a gun. Good one.”

China can eat the peanuts out of my Shiiiiiit

Computing gold medals presented to each athlete on teams in men’s and women’s basketball, men’s volleyball, women’s rowing, beach volleyball and relay teams in track and swimming, among others, the U.S. claimed 125 total golds to 74 for China. In total medals awarded, the United States scored 315 to 186 for China.